An Average Thursday Night

The Time: 2 AM
The Place: My room

Me: I'm going to sleep now.
My Mind: Cool.  Aight.
Me: Goodnight.
My Mind: Night.
(Silence)
My Mind: So you made sure the front door was locked, right?
Me: Yup.
(Silence)
My Mind: It probably doesn't matter, anyway, because I mean, we live in the middle of the country.  So probably no one will be around to even mess with the front door.
Me: Good point, yes.
My Mind: But if there *were* anyone poking around, they'd probably be harmless.  Probably not a convicted murderer or a demented hillbilly.
Me: No.
My Mind: That's not even something you should think about.
Me: No, I won't.
(Silence)
My Mind: So you're sleeping on your back?
Me: Yeah.
My Mind.  Oh, interesting.
(Silence)
My Mind: Remember that one time you read that article about sleep hypnosis?  Like, how sometimes people are half-awake and half-asleep, and they have a nightmare while they're in that state?  And they hallucinate about a talking black cloud or a horrible bony woman crouching on their chest?
Me: ...yes...
My Mind: Seems to me I remember it was more likely to happen if you sleep on your back.
(Silence)
My Mind: I bet the hallucination of the old lady would be exactly like that picture you saw on a haunted house at the state fair once when you were nine that's been stuck in your brain ever since.
Me: I guess.
My Mind: Just sayin'.
Me: God dammit.
(I flip over and lie on my stomach.)
My Mind: This is better.  Although I guess the disadvantage to this would be, if someone grabbed your ankles right now, you would find it that much more difficult to kick them and escape.  Of course, it would probably be some kind of horrible ghost.  Possibly even the supernaturally strong and furiously angry ghost of a little Hispanic child, with gouged out eyes and stringy black hair and-
Me: Let's think about something else.
My Mind: Ok!
(Silence)
My Mind: Did you hear that noise just then?
Me: ...yes....it was probably my bed creaking.
My Mind: Sounded like knocking on the window to me.

And that's why I'm still awake.

Lord of the Rings

My father and sister are watching Lord of the Rings.  The orc with the big lumpy head was talking to the Witch King, and the Witch King said "Kill....them ALL."  Maybe this is just me, but when you're an evil black-cloaked dragon-riding Witch King Ringwraith creature, and you're talking to a horrible deformed flesh-eating orc, and you're going to WAR, isn't killing them all kind of understood?  Was there another option?

Now there's a German shepherd here too, and he's totally into the movie.  Right now Aragorn is talking to the king of the dead, and the dog is swept up in the dramatic tension.

And finally, another possibly unintentionally hilarious headline from imdb:

Happy post-Thanksgiving.

More Tales From the Internet

Sometimes one finds things on the internet that one cannot help but at least mention.  These are some of those things.

First, I saw this on imdb.

Now, I don't want to go pointing fingers, but it seems as though maybe....maybe....they meant THIS Steve Mcqueen:

But I clicked on his name, and.....

I guess it's just hard to tell he's black since the photo is in black and white, and he looks so...y'know...white.

But anyway, imdb is rarely my go-to for humorous goin's on.  Most of the time, I'm entertained by the way Yahoo news phrases things.  Let's take a look, shall we?

Rick Perry's Texas.  Yes, he owns Texas now.  And he's trying to put guns in your neighborhood.

Let's hear it for things you see both on Yahoo news and a serial killer's to-do list!  "Note to self: get Aniston's flat abs, put in jar next to bed."

"No!  Please!  Don't fine me in animals!"  "It's too late, Raoul....you've disgraced the name of our sport, and now we're going to "put salmon in a strange place," if you get our drift."

Oh yeah, she's still a bad girl.  Just wait, soon she'll start adopting African terrorists.

I want to die.

This is Madness

NO....THIS IS SPARTA!

....no, it's just madness.

My body is trying to kill me.  For the past two weeks, I've been having panic attacks that strike at random moments.  I think my actual body is conspiring against me to ensure my quality of life drops whenever possible.

But I'm not going to think about it.

So anyway, that's one thing.  The other is that I'm watching The Day After Tomorrow, and I noticed it's rated PG-13 for mild peril.  I can't help but wonder if it's really important that a PG-13 rating be given for this.  I don't think I've ever seen a grizzled ex-convict put his hand on a young man's shoulder and say, with aged wisdom, "Son, never watch movies with mild peril.  That's where I went wrong."   BUT IT'S OK CAUSE EVERYTHING IS GONNA COLLAPSE.  Have you all noticed that Roland Emmerich has made Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow AND 2012?  I'd like to be a fly on the wall next time he proposes a movie.

Oh yeah!  Also, Thanksgiving!

Good times.

The Causes of Worrisomness

Which is a word.

First, there was this; I had this blog under www.putonyourmadhat.blogger.com, since that is the name of the blog, but it was associated with a Google Account which didn't have my real name, and I decided I wanted to do it with my real name, so I made this new one with my real name but now I can't get back the old domain name even though I want it, so just to sum up:

This was supposed to be a sad face but it got angry while I was drawing it.

Of course, it's all my own fault for being a finicky little something-or-other who has to have everything just so and deletes anything that doesn't suit him.  WELL, NOW YOU HAVE TO JUST LIVE WITH IT, DON'T YOU?  Stop yelling at me!  NO, YOU DESERVE IT!

So there's that.  Also, I haven't updated in a while because this week was not the best ever.

(Random thought: I'm writing this in Starbucks and there's a girl sitting across from me and I can't stop farting.  But I'm wearing headphones so I can't tell if they're audible or not.  They feel audible.  Here comes another one.  NO WAY WAS THAT NOT AUDIBLE.  She's still reading her magazine but her face has a drawn, pained aspect.  I'm giggling now, for no reason as far as anyone else in here is concerned.  I look like a schizophrenic who stole a nice mac from someone and crept into Starbucks to do filthy internet things.)

But I digress.  I auditioned for some plays.  Here's how that went.

....followed by no callbacks, although I think the second of the two went better.  At least, it did in as much as no one interrupted me.  But still, no callbacks.  I was stung by the injustice of other people being better at acting than me, and so wandered the mean streets of the completely not-at-all-ghetto town of the college I attend, muttering vile epithets to myself and wearing my coat so it billowed despairingly as I walked.  I was truly in a foul mood.  I walked by a homeless guy holding out his hand for money and just wanted to kick him right in his stupid face.  But I did not.  Instead, I went to a bar with my friends and ate nachos.  That turned out to be better than the alternative.

To sum up:

IS BETTER THAN

And you can take that to the bank.

What I Think About In Class

PROFESSOR: So this comet will be coming by the earth tonight.  Now, there's absolutely no chance it's going to hit us, so don't listen to the internet.

MY FACE: Yes, yes, I see, quite.

MY BRAIN: How do we know the comet won't hit us?  WHAT IF IT WANTS US TO THINK THAT?  WHAT IF IT'S AN EVIL COMET BENT ON WIPING OUT MANKIND AND NOW WE ARE UNSUSPECTING AND DEFENSELESS?

PROFESSOR: The asteroid is about the size of an aircraft carrier, except that the aircraft carrier is hollow inside.

MY FACE: Yes, quite so, I am an intelligent college student.

MY BRAIN: That's a hurtful thing to say about the aircraft carrier.

PROFESSOR: So far we've only been able to collect samples from the Moon, a comet, and the Sun.

MY FACE: I am listening to literally every single thing you are saying.

MY BRAIN: ....from the sun?

And finally, freedom.  I thought I had conquered my brain until later that day in discussion section.

WORDS ON PAPER: Discuss the controversy surrounding "sound science."

THE SMART PART OF MY BRAIN: Obviously, the difference between science which is sound and science which is unsound.

THE PART OF MY BRAIN I USE: SOUND SCIENCE SOUNDS EXCITING.

And now you know what my mind is doing with its several-thousand-dollar college education.

Spending Time On The Internet

The game ads on Facebook came back in force.  I think they knew I was writing about them.

I wonder if these girls know the ones from Batheo?  And what is the "Naked Truth?"  Why is it important that it's Merlin?  Does...does this game have depictions of naked Merlin?

And here are some other things that were on the internet today.

First, again on Facebook, there was this.

This ad makes me deeply, deeply afraid.  It seems to be saying that if I ever dare even think about playing another game, I will be burned crispier than an old lady with warts in 1690 in New England.  And don't even try to tell me that's the Human Torch.  The Human Torch enjoys being on fire.  That person is not enjoying it at all.  Either that or he likes it too much.

Apparently 4,597 people want to take food advice from someone named Dr. Klaw.  This seems counter intuitive.  Maybe I'm wrong, though.  Maybe super villains really know their shit when it comes to making delicious foodstuffs.  In fact, maybe that's what all inter-villain-hero conflicts are actually about.  Making food.  The struggle of baking.

But I digress.

I also got a wall post which I'm pretty sure was spam.

Now let's just assume, for a second, that this isn't spam.  What video of Kim Kardashian in a bathing suit would make me lose all respect for her, when this is the woman who became famous from a sex tape?  What the hell could she possibly be doing?  I almost want to click it now.  I feel like the risk of it being a virus is almost equal to the complete horrifying depravity of whatever it might be were it an actual video.

Finally, I wish to share some joy.  I was a bit depressed the other day about this and that, but when I logged onto yahoo mail I cheered up immediately because of this:

"I may have my problems," I thought, "but at least my first picture on this earth didn't make me look like I'd just had an eggbeater shoved up my ass."

The moral of the story is that life is interesting, life is always an adventure, and there are always things on the internet which are interesting, as witnessed by what I saw when I logged into my email.

I hugely enjoy the juxtaposition.

Life is a banquet.